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“Give us hell, terrorists!” says drunk David Cameron

The government has come under heavy criticism after a visibly inebriated David Cameron called a press conference calling out terrorist attacks. Eyes slightly unfocused and waving his fist about, he invited all-comers to “Blow up some British landmarks why dont you? If you think we even give a shit!”

“We have a huge army and can probably kill all the terrorists,” said a totally rat-arsed Cameron, swaying from side to side and occasionally taking sips from a 3-litre bottle of Frosty Jack’s. “You,” he said, pointing at a slightly-darker-skinned member of the press. “Call up your mates in Pakistan and tell them to meet me down by the Caulkers in Bermondsey at midnight. I’ll take ’em. I used to fence.”

“Cameron’s just saying what we’re all thinking,” said one Conservative activist, his eyes swivelling loonily. “If the terrorists think they’re hard, they should just come and have a go. We’re all drunk, we can take it.”

At the time of press, aides were dragging Cameron away from every single terrorist in Britain. “Leave it, Dave” said one. “He isn’t worth it.”

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