Job-seekers have reacted with disappointment to the news that that the UK government is outsourcing all unemployment to India.
Once-widespread activities like applying for hundreds of jobs, getting rejected from hundreds of jobs, and crying into a pillow, will now be carried out by young professionals in bespoke ‘unemployment centres’ in Mumbai.
“While Britain has a proud history of unemployment, we simply must move with the times and accept the consequences of globalisation,” said a government spokesperson. “If people want to talk to an unemployed person, they can call a 24/7 hotline manned by highly-skilled Indian professionals with rigorous unemployment training, at a fraction of the cost to the taxpayer.”
The news has hit UK humanities graduates the hardest, with many wondering what they will do now that their livelihoods are in question. “We used to have it all worked out: rack up thousands of pounds in student debt to obtain a worthless degree, before wasting the potential we once had by becoming unemployed,” said Anne Mathers, a recent graduate. “Now even that’s being taken away from us.”
Historical unemployment hubs are expected to be hit hard, particularly industrial areas. “Look at all this,” said John Wilkins, 46, as he looked sadly at a once-abandoned building. “That used to be a desolate blight on the landscape. Now it’ll probably end up as just another office.”
Charities have warned that the plans could risk an ’unprecedented rise’ in long-term employment. “Where are all these unemployed people meant to go? The idea that there are enough non-jobs out there just doesn’t add up,” said Wilkins. “What the government fail to understand is that unemployment takes years of neglect and economic incompetence to generate. It won’t just grow back overnight.”
Concerns have also been raised that the millions of British people depending on unemployment to keep them in a constant state of chronic anxiety may be forced to find other reasons to despair.
“What am I going to do with my History degree now?” added Mathers. “If there’s no unemployment left here, I might have to consider moving abroad to be unemployed in Spain.”