Local family retreats to post-Ferguson survival bunker

“We’re champions for as long as we stay in here”

Initiating his “foolproof plan” to survive in a bleak, sterile post-Ferguson world, Dave Worthing, Chairman of the Manchester United Fan Club, rushed to collect his sons from school before retreating to a custom-built concrete shelter at the bottom of his Balham garden.

The ‘Sir Alex Ferguson Fallout Bunker’, as it has been known since last November, has blast doors designed to automatically seal within two minutes of a resignation announcement, thus shielding the occupants from ever experiencing defeat under a non-Ferguson manager. The doors stayed open for seven minutes on this occasion, just enough time for Worthing to bring all his sons inside, which he described as “totally fair in the circumstances.”

“I’ve got 30,000 packs of chewing gum and DVDs of every match since 1986,” said Worthing via secure video-link. “People called me crazy, but it’s about my sons. I’ve experienced the Europa League before. I’ve been there. I’ve seen that wasteland. But it’s not something I want [sons] Teddy or Ole Gunnar to see. So the doors will only open when Moyes goes ten points clear, maybe wins a Champions League. Or… four FA Cups. And we all know where our Derby Day cyanide capsules are, don’t we lads?”

“Stop asking about Mummy”, Worthing added. “She didn’t make it. She’s gone.”

Neighbours quickly came to regret their lack of preparedness.“If only we’d listened!” said neighbour Sue Parker, frantically boarding up her windows. “We just laughed when he spent the entire 2001-02 season constructing his shelter. Now we’re the ones who have to see United struggle under a merely world-class manager. May God himself have mercy on us all.”

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