A reseacher is shown here analysing field data for PWAYWACGN 13

Scientists release list of people having sex who aren’t you

A reseacher is shown here analysing field data for PWAYWACGN 13

A reseacher is shown here analysing field data for PWAYWACGN 13

Today saw the release of the 2013 edition of People Who Aren’t You Who Are Currently Getting Nailed, the annual catalogue of how much sex everyone other than you is having. “PWAYWACGN 13 is the biggest and best yet,” said lead researcher Ivo Cruise, who, along with a team of scientists from Oxford, has spent the past 9 months meticulously researching and cross-referencing the total numbers of people who are doing the nasty, right this second, while you’re sitting in your room by yourself reading this article. Highlights, as always, involve all three of your ex-girlfriends, that cute girl at the library who recommended Gravity’s Rainbow who you thought you definitely had chemistry with, and David Cameron.
“In particular, we’re really proud of the section discussing the guy on the train – you know, that drunk dickhead in the flash suit who didn’t give up his seat for the pregnant woman and made a load of racist jokes to his mate – yeah, well currently he’s making beautiful, passionate love with a woman far, far more charming and talented than any you have any chance of meeting ever,” added Cruise. “Gutted”.
He also stated that “according to research, your Grandad is currently rounding third base with your Nanna.”

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