Researchers working in King’s College London today revealed what they believe to be conclusive proof of a link between smoking cannabis and memory loss. After what was evidently a tough week’s research, the team appeared before the press, bleary and red-eyed.
“So, it seems that smoking cannabis is bad for your memory,” announced lead researcher Sahil Pragnesh. “We’re pretty sure that’s what we’re announcing anyway. It’s a bit hard to tell because we wrote over our key findings with this really cool idea we had about playing just the bass riffs to Beatles songs while watching Family Guy and seeing what syncs up. Unfortunately, those tests doesn’t seem to be showing much promise this morning for some reason.”
This is the fifth such study that has resulted in inconclusive data, leading some to question the group’s methodology. “It’s not easy to get government approval to use cannabis in research,” commented the principal of King’s College. “The team told me they ‘didn’t want to let this dank bud go to waste on the lab rats’. Nevertheless, I maintain it is not ethical to use yourselves as subjects during such a study.”
The team is already keen for the next phase of research. “We think there may be some links between cannabis and liking the way the light is refracted through Alan’s glasses. I’m not entirely sure what the practical applications of that might be but – wow, do you know your jumper is really soft? Hey guys, come feel how soft this jumper is!”