Decades of scientific research in climate science was today turned completely on its head by new findings from some guys in a pub, who concluded that “it’s all a lot of fuss over nothing”. The round-table discussion between Thompson et al. in The White Horse in Clapham last night conclusively refuted the prevailing consensus view of man-made climate change in under five minutes.
The central argument of the as-yet-unpublished paper is that “you can prove anything with science”. Its authors, who include a marketing executive and a telephone salesman, argue that increases in global mean temperature, far from leading to more extreme weather fluctuations and killing millions through crop failures, would in fact at worst result in “more barbecues”.
In the furore surrounding the announcement, several competing teams have claimed that they said exactly the same thing only last week. This is the first major scientific investigation led by Thompson since his GCSE Biology practical where he measured the size of leaves for some reason. This experience made him the natural choice for leader of the team.
Scientists around the world have expressed interest in the revolutionary finding of last night, which ranks among the greatest breakthroughs of the young century. “There we were, wasting our time painstakingly calibrating temperature records going back for hundreds of millennia, spending millions on detailed atmospheric monitoring, and collating data from multiple independent sources,” said Ian Chepping, Chief Scientist at the IPCC, “If only these guys had managed to get their theories published earlier, it would have saved a lot of fuss.”
The news is expected to be a fatal blow to the future of climate science, which was already in tatters after revelations that it recently snowed somewhere.