There were celebrations across the United Kingdom yesterday after Parliament miraculously contrived to drag its bloated, reactionary carcass over the very lowest possible threshold of acceptable moral governance.
“The passing of the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) bill is a great day for justice,” tweeted PM David Cameron, referring to the four hour long, frequently homophobic and hateful debate that preceded the passing of a bill so unambiguously positive that the fact that it took this long is a total embarrassment in and of itself.
Although most MPs managed to begrudgingly convince themselves to allow the last 5-8% of the population to have this basic human right, there were still those who held their ground. 175 brave souls stood proudly against the tides of history with wild eyes and frothing mouths and watched in vain as people’s lives were made infinitely richer at absolutely no cost.
“I’m just happy that our elected officials for once triumphed in doing a barely-adequate job, instead of their normal routine of nosediving us straight into whatever the legislative equivalent of a big pile of turds is,” commented one man outside the John Snow pub in Soho. “Well done lads!”
“I suppose it’s a bit like, if you had a baby who couldn’t speak, and when it was ten it burbled out something that sounded a bit like ‘Mama’. I mean, fine, well done, but at this point we shouldn’t be praising you for it”.
To celebrate the fact that they’d by some means managed to not calcify institutional hatred for the first time in 500 years, members of the House then voted to give themselves a 40% pay raise and buy a yacht for the Queen for some stupid fucking reason.