205 AD – Born. Reported to have stared pensively at ‘congratulations’ cards received by his parents.
216 AD – Attempt to ask Suzie Abrahams to the Bethlehem Primary school disco goes awry.
220 AD – Brief ‘emo’ phase reveals prodigious talent for making single people feel even more unhappy than usual.
224 AD – Receives revelation from Christ explaining how rituals involving flowers, cards and TV specials could be used to make singles repent for their grave sin of singlehood.
227 AD – Goes into hiding after angering the many single Romans soldiers stationed in Judea.
14 February 228 AD – Comes out of hiding for a single day of antagonising people without partners. He will continue this sacred yearly ritual for three further years.
14 February 232 AD – Caught by angry single Romans during his annual return to Judea. Gruesomely martyred by having his beating heart cut out of his body: thus beginning the tradition of sending people big red hearts every Valentines day.