“Maybe he left you because you act too needy? Do you think he thought about other women?”

St Valentine: Patron Saint Of Depressed Single People

“Maybe he left you because you act too needy? Do you think he thought about other women?”

“Maybe he left you because you act too needy? Do you think he thought about other women?”

205 AD – Born. Reported to have stared pensively at ‘congratulations’ cards received by his parents.

216 AD – Attempt to ask Suzie Abrahams to the Bethlehem Primary school disco goes awry.

220 AD – Brief ‘emo’ phase reveals prodigious talent for making single people feel even more unhappy than usual.

224 AD – Receives revelation from Christ explaining how rituals involving flowers, cards and TV specials could be used to make singles repent for their grave sin of singlehood.

227 AD – Goes into hiding after angering the many single Romans soldiers stationed in Judea.

14 February 228 AD – Comes out of hiding for a single day of antagonising people without partners. He will continue this sacred yearly ritual for three further years.

14 February 232 AD – Caught by angry single Romans during his annual return to Judea. Gruesomely martyred by having his beating heart cut out of his body: thus beginning the tradition of sending people big red hearts every Valentines day.

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