There was jubilation throughout fanboy communities this afternoon after it was announced that Lost creator JJ Abrams will direct Disney’s 2014 prequels to the Star Wars trilogy.
“I’m really looking forward to imagining what Anakin Skywalker was like before he became Darth Vader” commented Abrams at a press conference. “This – as yet untold – story allows us to explore the breadths and depths of the universe created by George Lucas in his three films, which were released in 1977-1983, and have not as yet been digitally altered, re-released, or diluted with unnecessary supplemental material or special effects.”
Rumours about Star Wars prequels have flown about since the turn of the millennium, when original creator George Lucas announced plans for a trilogy exploring Vader’s early life. The ambitious outline, which was set to feature “thrilling pod-based racing”, “a whole new, intriguing political element to the Star Wars Universe” and a “in-no-way jejune and amateurish romance” were scrapped in 1999 after Lucas’s car bizarrely exploded on his way to pitch them at the studio.
“The tragedy was that all of his notes, diagrams, and the preliminary outlining of the Trade Federation’s Tax Blockade of Naboo were burned up in the crash” commented Abrams, wiping away a tear at the thought of what might have been. “We’ve tried to recreate his vision for the prequels as best we can, but try as I may, I can’t really figure out what Qui-Gon Jinn’s personality is, so I’ve just had to cut him out completely.”
“The only thing that survived the flaming inferno was a binder featuring a full-arc layout and design of an enchanting, fan-friendly amphibious scamp called Jar Jar Binks” he added. “So we’re just going to build like 90% of the film around him. It’s going to be great!”
Disney also announced a series of proposed sequels to 1999’s The Matrix, to be helmed by Josh Whedon and to feature “at least four times as much philosophy”.