Micro-blogging service Twitter was in turmoil today after an investigation by the DCMS revealed that up to 27% of posted tweets were tainted with the same five or six puns about horses. Facebook was also found to have higher numbers of lame, punning status updates than usual.
“We can only apologise” said a Twitter spokesman, sighing resignedly as he quarantined and deleted 400,000 identical ‘My Lidl Pony’ tweets. “And we’re doing our best to contain this, but as soon as Chris Addison or – heaven forbid! – Caitlin Moran get involved, the spread of vapid wordplay becomes almost unstoppable. Seriously, it’s like The Stand out there.”
“There’s no need for undue panic,” commented Doctor John Wallace of Kings’ Hospital. “If you accidentally stumble across one of these puns, and find yourself laughing at a reference to ‘the trots’ ‘stable condition’ or being ‘so hungry [one] could eat a horse’, the remedy is simple – have a big glass of water, lie down in a dark place, and shoot yourself in the back of the head.”
“Like they do with horses,” he added, before clarifying: “That wasn’t a joke though, because I’m not a fucking cretin”.