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David Cameron announces new sponsorship deal with Ronseal

“Well it’s called wood stain but it makes for a good fake tan too.”

During a press conference today, Prime Minister David Cameron repeatedly plugged popular performance DIY product manufacturer Ronseal instead of giving the scheduled policy announcement many were expecting. Ronseal see him as an ideal spokesperson due to his uncanny ability to imitate garden furniture.

“I’d like to take this opportunity to mention Ronseal’s fantastic dedication to creating quality products for the modern DIY consumer,” he began, before extolling the virtues of the all-new January range of paint strippers for 25 minutes.

His long suffering straight-man Nick Clegg’s attempts to join in on the act fell flat when he quipped that they were “sealing the deal”, once more revealing to the public his poor understanding of advertising slogans.

When asked about the size of the national deficit, Cameron simply held up a tin of decking varnish and smiled. “Look at that – now that is a quality varnish. The one-coat protection guarantees that double-drips are a thing of the past.”

Ed Miliband condemned the news conference as a despicable corporate exercise. “They’ve really sold out,” he said. “Much like ‘The Hobbit’ on its opening weekend.”

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