Ban Ki-Moon’s U.N resolution to go jogging “in tatters”

Human rights were the only thing Ban actually exercised.

Human rights were the only thing Ban actually exercised.

Senior diplomats today condemned UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon’s ‘abject failure’ to follow through on his UN Resolution to go jogging every morning before work.

“The trainers he ordered specially online have been sitting in a box by his desk for nearly 2 weeks,” confided an anonymous aide. “Every year it’s the same. ‘New year, new Ban!’ he says on January 1st. We just smile and nod, knowing full well it’ll all be forgotten in a matter of days.”

“It’s so disappointing,” said Yoo Soon-taek, Ban’s wife. “He promised me he was serious about his new fitness regime this time, but the only regime I ever hear him talking about is Syria. It’s all very well trying to avert a diplomatic crisis, but that waistline is only getting bigger.”

The jogging resolution had been strongly opposed from the start by Russia and China, who mistook it for an vital humanitarian intervention.

Ban has also broken another resolution by taking up smoking again, after giving up for a mere 9 days. He cited the “overwhelming stress” of peace negotiations with oppressive governments as his justification.
“Oh yes, and I expect that’s why he didn’t unload the dishwasher this morning,” added Yoo. “He’s always got an excuse, that one.”

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