Torturer On Date Can’t Steer Conversation Away From Torturing

“The date was a very painful experience” – Jon, 28, torturer

“The date was a very painful experience” – Jon, 28, torturer

An Ealing torturer struggled during a first date yesterday, after proving unable to move the conversation away from his day job.

The evening, which had promised to be a romantic encounter between two young people looking for love, instead became fraught with awkwardness: “I wanted to talk about other stuff, like X-factor and whether I prefer e-books or the real thing, but she kept on just being like, so, you torture for a living?” complained Jon Davies, 28, torturer.

“So I thought, since she asked, I’ll tell her the story from when I hung this total douchebag upside down today and whipped his testicles until he vomited over himself and begged for mercy – she didn’t even laugh.”

Davies’ companion for the evening was nonplussed. “I thought I’d flirt a little by asking him ‘so, how would you get me talking’, but when he forced bamboo shoots under my fingernails I realized we weren’t really compatible,” she commented. “I feel bad that I’m pigeon-holing him as the torturing type. I guess maybe I’m not looking for anything right now.”

“I’ve decided I’m not going to answer his texts,” she added. “I can’t think of anything crueller than causing a man the unbelievable agony of heartbreak.”

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