David Cameron today announced that the Liberal Democrat leader’s proposal for an orgasm later this evening had been “regrettably overruled.”
Nick Clegg had unveiled his plan to engage in sexual intercourse after a candle-lit dinner with his wife, but according to officials had failed to put the policy suggestion past the Conservatives first. When Cameron learnt of the plans, he is said to have been “livid”, phoning Clegg immediately to tell him that an orgasm would be unacceptable.
“This is what being in coalition is all about – compromise,” the PM explained on The Andrew Marr Show. “In a nation where Nick had won a majority of votes, it would of course be entirely up to him whether he reached an ecstasy of moaning. But the fact of the matter is that the British people have not given him a mandate to climax.”
Conservative backbenchers are still not satisfied, with some claiming that Cameron went too far in permitting Clegg to engage in the drunken, ultimately inconclusive, sexual act itself. “We’re the majority party,” said one MP. “The British people didn’t vote for Clegg becoming aroused at any time, regardless of whether he makes it over the finish line.”
Cameron has promised that the issue of Clegg’s orgasms is one that is important to him. “We happen to be at odds on this issue,” he admitted. “Of course if we weren’t in partnership with the Lib Dems, this issue wouldn’t be a priority, but we’re obliged to get involved now that it has been raised. Or not, as the case may be! Just a little joke, Nick, no offence.”
Early reports of the possibility of a referendum on Clegg’s orgasms in 2015 are so far unconfirmed. “Look, at the moment we’ve got some very important things to deal with,” said Cameron. “I’m sure Nick can be patient and understand that these things take time. About 15 seconds, in my case.”