“Now I can proudly say that I have ‘millionaire’ on my CV"

New welfare scheme forces unemployed to become millionaire businessmen or lose benefits

“Now I can proudly say that I have ‘millionaire’ on my CV"

“Now I can proudly say that I have ‘millionaire’ on my CV”

A controversial new Coalition welfare program has come under fire for requiring that participants must start a business and become a millionaire within six months or risk losing some to all of their benefits.

“Welfare should be about making people better off. Look it up. That’s what welfare actually means”, said Evan Chang, from the Department of Work and Pensions. “We need to provide the unemployed with the skills they need to become the billionaire businessmen of the future. If they can show they’re working towards that – for example, by becoming a millionaire businessman – then we can see that they’re deserving of their £71 weekly benefits. If not, then losing them will provide a powerful incentive.”

“I’m sorry if this seems harsh. But the deficit is £120 billion pounds. The average UK worker would take over five million years to pay that off. That’s enough time to listen to 26 and a half billion copies of the Beatles’ White Album. That’s enough CDs to stretch from the Earth to the Sun more than 45 times. Think about that.”

“This was the push I needed,” said millionaire businessman Brian Marling. “There I was, with no qualifications or anything, just hoping to get through each day without breaking down in tears. Then I just realised, if I became a millionaire, everything would be fine! Now I can proudly say that I have ‘millionaire’ on my CV, which should be really useful for getting job interviews in future.”

“People claim that there aren’t jobs out there. But I’ve got a job, and so has everybody I know,” said Ian Duncan-Smith, “Have these people even tried getting elected to things? It’s not that hard.”

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