Julian Assange

Assange trying hard not to notice Ecuadorian state secrets

Assange is said to be keeping his eyes shut 24 hours a day

REPORTS INDICATE THAT JULIAN ASSANGE has spent the majority of his time in the Ecuadorian embassy desperately attempting not to notice literally hundreds of poorly hidden national secrets. The Wikileaks founder has been keen to avoid the faux pas of leaking the classified documents that have been carelessly left in his gaze, including details of Ecuador’s numerous human rights abuses and suppression of freedom of speech.

“If it were to hypothetically turn out that Ecuador weren’t exactly a shining beacon of press freedom, people might just think I was doing this to avoid having to visit Sweden again, with its sickeningly liberal justice system,” said Assange, desperately sticking his fingers in his ears as a diplomatic aide in the next room arranged the arrest of a newspaper editor. “I firmly believe that President Correa is entirely motivated in this case by human rights conce-…what, pass you the thing from the printer? The thing that says ‘LIST OF POLITICAL PRISONERS’ on it? Um, sure.”

“It’s great to be associated with such passionate believers in the freedom of information, and I’m very grateful that they’ve let me stay as long as I help out around the office,” said Assange as he fed state documents through a shredder. “For too long the enemies of truth have collaborated with despicable governments to cynically further their own ends. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to do my show on Russian state-funded television. Sorry, Pussy who?”

Protesters outside the embassy were quick to defend Assange: “Come on, getting two Swedish women to accuse an Australian immigrant of rape so that he can be arrested in Britain, deported to Sweden, and then extradited to America, thus requiring a complicated agreement between at least three countries instead of just two? Wake up, sheeple! It’s obviously a plot by the Western military-industrial complex. Oldest trick in the book – they must think we can’t think for ourselves,” said one man wearing an Anonymous mask and a Che Guevara t-shirt.

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