The entirety of the Paralympics schedule was today revealed to be a top- secret benefits fraud sting operation. Lead by British police under the coordination of Olympic partner ATOS, a strike force this morning locked down the Olympic village, where they claimed to have lured around 4,000 of the globe’s most heinous scroungers.
“The majority of this scum have used their pilfered taxpayers’ money to develop incredible strength, speed and athletic skills that they just can’t resist showing off to each other,” said Detective Inspector Ford from the Met police. Ford explained that it was this vanity that ended up being their undoing: “It was the perfect honeytrap.”
“We began to notice that these ‘double amputees’ and ‘wheelchair users’ would meet up regularly to see who was milking the welfare state the most. Sometimes they would even trick crowds of people into thinking they were witnessing ‘a triumph of the human spirit against all odds’. Soon the scroungers began to ask for medals – all paid for by taxpayers, of course. Pistorius blew the gig when his ego forced him to seek recognition at a regular athletics meet.”
A press release from ATOS heralded the operation as the latest in a series of triumphs against benefit fraud. “Our target is to reclassify all benefits claimants as Athletes by 2016 so the government can concentrate on taking houses away from chavs again.”
“All these people were actually fit to work all along!” said a member of the public. “Frankly it’s appalling that professional doctors didn’t notice this when people without any medical training could spot it easily,”
Those who witnessed the Paralympic sting were stunned. “Look, he’s running away from the police without any legs! And they say we need to provide wheelchair ramps at public buildings… it makes you sick.”