“Nobody wants to be gunned down by unbranded merchandise”

Terrorists warned against using unofficial weapons during Olympics

“Nobody wants to be gunned down by unbranded merchandise”

Officials worried that unbranded terror acts will appear on live TV

The London Olympics committee has issued a ‘stern warning’ against British terrorists considering using unofficial weapons to commit mass murder during London 2012.

Officials are concerned that homemade missiles and explosives could be unthinkingly brought along by well-meaning terrorist groups, in breach of strict rules regarding products from official sponsors.

“The Olympics logo has long been a symbol of peace, harmony, and lucrative advertising deals between multinational corporations,” explained an IOC spokesman. “That’s why any unofficial acts of terror will regrettably have to be pixellated when they appear on TV screens.”

Terrorists have also been warned not to tweet recommending unofficial products, in keeping with the spirit of the Games. “Obviously we want to comply with the sponsorship rules that have made these fantastic games possible,” said one terrorist, sipping a bottle of Powerade and wearing K-Swiss trainers. “But it’s difficult to ensure that all our equipment, down to the last stitch, is from official partners – for example, we only realised recently that while our AK-47s are genuine Lockheed Martin, the bullets are from BAE! That would have been embarrassing. Nobody wants to be gunned down by unbranded merchandise.”

The Stella McCartney-designed Team Al-Qaeda terror uniforms have also been a hit, with terrorists describing them as both practical and stylish.

When questioned about the ethics of profiting from acts of terror, one advertising executive pointed out, “What’s better, killing civilians out of barbaric ideology, or also using that opportunity to advertise a really great product that people will love? Like this new Imperial Leather soap – washing out the blood of innocents has never been easier!”

“Or how about the all-new Olympics McBomb – it’s ‘TNT-astic!’” he added, referring to the viral advertising campaign that shows Usain Bolt running through smoke clouds and leaping over piles of civilian corpses as the Hamburglar (brought back for this special occasion) watches the carnage on television.

Local businesses, however, have reacted with dismay. “Londoners were sold the Olympics on the basis that we’d all get economic benefits. But if I can’t sell fertilizer to the athletes, then I wonder what it’s all been for,” said Jamie Cathcart, the owner of a Barking agricultural supply shop. “Here I am, stocking up on car-bombs, and they can’t be taken within 300m of the Olympic park. It’s madness.”

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