The London mayoral election got off to a dramatic start today after dobby-faced ratfink candidate Ken Livingstone accused the mainstream media of “a ridiculous, systematic pro-Tory bias,” as presumptive winner Boris Johnson heroically rescued Toto, a tiny Labrador whose paw had been stuck under a pipe in a quarry.
“It was nothing, really,” said Boris modestly, holding the animal aloft as its huge eyes gleamed with appreciation, in stark contrast to Ken, who was most likely gibbering antisemitic diktats in a kremlin somewhere, according to an expert. Boris went on to cuddle the tiny dog, calling it “woofums” in a way that was both statesmanlike yet sensitive, while Ken cynically visited a local school to drum up support for his dying campaign.
“I think Ken’s problem is that he’s failed to connect with the Ken-hating vote,” commented Sarah Sands, editor of BORIS FOR MAYOR (previously the Evening Standard). “But I don’t think we’re particularly biased. We just print the facts, most of the facts, and then we add adjectives to Ken’s name, and if people read those adjectives and think that the only logical conclusion is to go out and put a big X next to that lovely Mr Johnson, then that’s their business.”
Reacting to criticism that yesterday’s issue featured such pro-Johnson headlines as “104 Business Leaders Support Boris”, “Livingstone Fails To Prevent Newcastle Orphanage Fire”, and “Obama Visits Troops In Afghanistan (vote Boris)”, Sands shrugged aimlessly. “Eh.”
Voters have rejected the idea that any alleged bias would influence their decisions. “I’m not so easily manipulated by the capitalist media,” scoffed student John Foot, sipping a Coke Zero. “And I’ll be voting with my heart, with my brain, and with the confidence that comes from doing the research and knowing the candidates inside out. Because that’s how democracy works.”
Johnson is expected to win the election by 107%, though the poll has a 4% margin of error.
“Brian Paddick,” added a Liberal Democrat voter. “Brian Paddick.”