Education Minister Michael Gove today unveiled new plans to single-handedly teach every child in the UK.
“Gather around kids!” he said, ushering every single British child into one cavernous classroom. “Let me tell you the story of the education minister who dared to dream!”
“I was worried it wouldn’t be intimate, what with the 14 million other children sharing one teacher,” said Josie, 16, from Bristol, “But then Michael sat me on his knee and explained plate tectonics, and I knew it would be alright.”
“The wheels on the bus go round and round!” cooed Gove according to a source, his bloodshot eyes revolving crazily in their sockets.
According to reports, one small girl in the class began to cry. “Aw, do you miss your Mummy?” asked Gove, gently. “Well, Mummy has fundamentally failed to provide for your education, so forget about her.”
Gove was later seen skipping around Trafalgar Square with four million terrified preschoolers, enthusiastically chanting, “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!” No-one apart from Gove was clapping their hands.