THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH today launched a new Anti-Drugs campaign targeted at young people, in which the popular pastime was branded ‘uncool’ by a balding man in a grey suit and white shirt standing behind a podium.
“I don’t see what it is about this self-destructive act of rebellion you all find so fashionable,” said the man in a series of messages on TV, radio, and in Spotify ad breaks. “Dying young isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? Bupa. I know all your heroes might take drugs, like Jerry Hendrix and Peter Doherty, but think about all the mid-level technocrats and office managers who have had really decent careers without all that.”
“I’m not saying that all drugs are evil. I enjoy drinking coffee with my boiled egg as much as the next man, but I do it knowing full well that it’s just a short, slippery slope from there to crystal methamphetamines.”
The campaign will be accompanied by a series of posters and billboards featuring slogans such as ‘Fancy some Cocaine? No, I think I’ll be alright thank you’ and ‘Drugs are expensive and Kate Moss can afford them what with her millions of modelling pounds but you can’t so I beg you to consider the financial implications’.
“Sometimes doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary for decades can be the most rebellious thing of all,” added the grey-suited authority figure, his eyes momentarily conveying a sadness at the loss of his once limitless future.