THE GOVERNMENT TODAY LAID OUT PLANS to deal with the ‘disastrous’ bankers strike at the heart of the worst recession shortage in British history.
“There’s no need to panic, but there’s a real risk that wealth distribution will become fairer,” said PM David Cameron. “Please be assured that we are taking decisive action – the army are selling sub-prime mortgages at gunpoint and we’re going to hide all the extra money under the Queen’s bed while she’s asleep.”
“We’re totally fed up,” commented an RBS executive. “It takes a lot of effort by a lot of greedy people to wipe billions off the stock market. We work our fingers to the bone making ourselves rich at the expense of society – this fact just gets ignored. We demand the public accept that we’re quite literally better than them in every way. Why else would the government give us all their money?”
Ordinary people are expected to suffer. “I’ve got used to not having enough cash to heat my house – I find the icy cold bracing,” stated one pensioner. “But now that those bastard bankers are going on strike, I’ll probably have enough money to be warm the whole time. It makes me livid.”
“It’s all gone wrong,” mourned BBC Business Editor Robert Peston, standing outside an incredibly expensive new hospital. “One day you’re riding high in the midst of the worst depression in 50 years – next, this. What am I supposed to say to my children? My career is over.”
Official advice to “keep a bit of extra recession in a jerry can” has already led to one woman being hospitalised, after a market freeze-out occurred while she was transferring toxic assets in her kitchen.