Our exclusive investigation uncovers a sordid Tory-trafficking ring
Underground magazine has today uncovered, the UK’s largest Conservative-trafficking operation, with pimps forcing Cabinet ministers to prostitute themselves to big business in seedy Downing Street apartments.
Members of Cabinet were smuggled down to Westminster from Eton over a 30-year period, crammed into the back of lorries and made to undergo ‘appalling’ ordeals on the way, including earning Oxbridge degrees and living in relative comfort.
A source filmed secretly by Underground revealed, “These naïve little white men think they’re getting a great deal – a passport into political office and a life far removed from their upper middle class upbringing. Well ok, not that far removed.”
“But soon they’re being forced to sell their bodies and the roads and the NHS in an attempt to pay off their debts to the privileged interests who got them there in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle.”
The gang attracted payments of up to £250k to allow large hairy businessmen to stick their massive bias inside Cameron’s policies.
“We did it on the desk in number 10,” confessed one ashamed business tycoon. “He talked dirty about shackling me with restrictive financial regulation and I let him do awful things to my top rate of tax.”
An anonymous smuggled cabinet minister explained, “I was willing to do anything to escape my depressing bourgeois fate in a lucrative career such as management consultancy or law – when they told me I could hit the big-time with politics, I desperately wanted to believe it.”
More parties have been drawn into the scandal as a leaked Lib Dem document revealed that donors of £15 or more would have Nick Clegg available to ‘come round and run some errands – nothing too difficult but he does a mean scrambled eggs’.