HEALTH SECRETARY ANDREW LANSLEY has revealed that the NHS reforms will involve hiring director Tim Burton to oversee the transformation of the well-known institution into a dystopian nightmare.
The government hope that Burton will do for the health service what he did for Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – namely, turn it into a dark, gothic mirror-version full of sickly, emaciated children.
“It’s all in there – page 573!” said Lansley. “If anybody had actually read the reforms, they’d have seen it.”
Critics of the plans fear that replacing every single doctor with either Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham-Carter, or that dwarf actor guy will prove untenable, but Lansley pointed out that similar tactics in previous Burton projects had made lots of money for a select group of billionaires and there was no reason they couldn’t be repeated.
One patient who experienced a preview of the reforms was unimpressed: “I went into A&E with a stab wound, and before I was allowed in I had to watch the camera zoom around the words ‘TIM BURTON’S NHS’ while a Danny Elfman theme played for half an hour. It was certainly atmospheric, but all the blood loss made it difficult to concentrate.”
Many have also questioned the wisdom of allowing a film director to revamp a government service, pointing to the ‘disappointing’ revamp of US Medicare by Michael Bay in 2009 that went dramatically over its already huge budget.
“It’s less a ‘reboot’ and more a ‘reimagination’,” explained an excited Burton. “We’ve got all the classic ingredients: something everybody already knows and loves, a complicated plot that doesn’t make any sense, and a central character who’s a social outcast with questionable motives.”