CHANCELLOR GEORGE OSBORNE made headlines today when he opened the famous red Budget box to reveal a tiny hand-painted model of Britain’s economy, in place of sensible plans to combat recession.
“Tada! Look at all the little people working hard to reverse the economic downturn!” said an excited Osborne in front of Parliament, spinning the miniature wheels of government around with his little finger. “And to think of all the time I might have wasted trying to learn actual economics!”
“We’re all in this together, you know… and by ‘we’ I mean those earning above £150,000. No, don’t touch it, you’ll break the trickle-down mechanism!” snapped Osborne, flicking a tramp figurine away from outside a tiny Tesco store.
The model was made by Osborne’s dad for his 40th birthday, and contains adorable little rational consumers as well as a simplified version of global economic theory which includes the controversial assumption that people are all nine millimetres tall and made of plastic.
A source has revealed that Andrew Lansley asked nicely to play with the model, but Osborne said he could only have a go after Cameron and him had played first. Lansley was then given the cute little health system to sort out because previous players had got the bureaucracy all tangled up in knots.
Osborne’s plans to reduce the 50p tax rate in the model have been criticised as having little relevance to the majority of citizens, most of whom are dwarfed by the gigantic coin.
“Choo choo! Look, all the trains are on time!” responded Osborne when asked for comment. “And here comes the wealth creator in his big golden car driving on the privatised roads – zooooom! Get out of my way, pesky benefit claimants!”
“Oops, one of their legs has come off – oh well, we’ve all got to make do with less!”