WORLD LEADERS TODAY announced that they wish to see an end to the “wild” all-night negotiations that have become a staple of the global politics scene. Questions have been raised about the effectiveness of the hedonistic meetings, which see sleep-deprived politicians attempt to thrash out lengthy agreements fuelled only by Red Bull and triple espressos.
“When I first got into politics I thought it was great,” said one senior diplomat. “Staying up into the early hours discussing complex intergovernmental policy? Yes please! I loved the buzz of realpolitik stalemate as much as the next man. But none of us are as young as we were then – most of us have kids, for Christ’s sake – and to be honest I’d just like an early night for once.”
“I remember back in Copenhagen in 2009 we thought we’d finally nailed it, so China made us all do celebratory Tequila slammers. The next thing I remember is waking up on the conference table with a dossier on forestry legislation as a pillow. When we looked through the draft declaration in the morning, turned out we’d just written the lyrics to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air over and over again.”
“I don’t know why we ever thought these meetings were a good idea,” said one bleary-eyed Eurozone minister. “By 4am I’d been awake for 53 hours straight – I literally have no idea what I agreed to. I lost track of it after we voted 26 to 1 for Poland to go get Rice Krispies.”